Still No Bath

Forgive the vent, but my mother is preoccupying me a lot and I need to rant.

I know you all know that my mom has gotten to the point that she is refusing to bathe and wash her hair. She has gone months without doing either. She actually has reasons, that only make sense to her, and these reasons have led her to make a conscious decision to stop bathing. It has been over eight weeks that I can document, and I'm sure it's been much, much longer. She is very evasive about just how long and I've heard a number of spontaneous excuses (lies) over the last few weeks as to why she can, but will not bathe. Today's excuse was she can't bathe at night because the walls are so thin that the noise bothers her neighbors, who complain. She can't tell me which neighbor, or who they have complained to or when, but she's convinced "they" have. Just to be clear, she is not sitting in her own filth, her clothes are clean (for the most part) and her apartment is tidy, but she is most definitely not clean, particularly her hair.

I hired an aide to help her with these ADLs -- on the aide's first visit she made her sit and talk to her for two hours. Okay, fine, she needs to get to know the folks. On the second visit she had her wash dishes, take out the trash and straighten the apartment, but again refused to have her help her bathe. Then she told the aide thank you but not to come back.

My mother is frail, has CHF and seizures, which are controlled with meds. She is for the most part taking care of her ADLs, just selectively. She must have medication daily. She is currently medication compliant, but we have had problems with this in the past. We never know when she may decide that some food clashes with some pill, or just quit taking a dose because it's scheduled for in her mind what is the wrong time of the day or doesn't coincide with a meal or a nap, etc. Fortunately, she does not drive, and I do her weekly grocery shopping and laundry and pay her bills. She receives Meals on Wheels as well.

I am so frustrated. Her blood pressure right now is too high, and she needs a medication adjustment. I made a doctor's appointment for her and let her know a full week in advance. I went to take her to the doctor last Friday to find her sitting in her living room at 2:00 pm in her nightgown smoking a cigarette. She informed me she'd decided that morning she just didn't want to go to the doctor that day. She thought about calling and cancelling the appointment, but was too tired, and as for me taking time from work and driving 30 minutes one way to take her, I guess she just didn't figure telling me was important enough to do. She now refers to the incident as just a "misunderstanding" because she thought I wasn't coming to take her to the doctor after all. Why she thought that when I called her and told her expressly when to be ready, I do not know.

I am at my wits end. The doctor and I agree that my mother would not do well in a nursing home environment, but I really think she's at a point where she needs supervision. She's beyond stubborn. She is by nature a very unhappy, high strung, controlling person. She is histrionic and narcissistic, suspicious and has her own ideas about what things are important and how things should be done with absolutely no regard to how others might be affected. Honestly, I think a lot of what we're going through right now has more to do with manipulation and control of those around her (me).

If I leave her alone, I feel like I run the risk of being labeled negligent somehow. Just not sure what to do next. Marty is far clearer on what needs to be done, because he's not affected by her manipulation. My friends and family have rallied for me and offered some great advice and comfort as well. I'm sure we'll come up with some solution. Rant over.